slow my heartbeat.

I heard that you’re settled down That you found a girl and you’re married now I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded That for me, it isn’t over

NEver mind, I’ll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don’t forget me, I begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

<3 <3 I miss you.

So there’s this boy. Really the only way you could describe our relationship is that we’ve had “a thing” for over four years now. A thing! Never officially dated. Oh, we’ve done the seeing each other, the just friends, the hating each other, but its yet to turn into anything legitimate. I guess I shouldn’t say that.. its legitimate I suppose. The feelings are there, etc, buuut its definitely not what I want. Hasn’t been for four years. How can you have “a thing” with somebody for so long and it never turn into something real? I have no clue how I’ve let it get so far. I’m kinda at a now or never standpoint but it looks like he’s leaning towards never. It’s heartbreaking, in all honesty. I don’t understand it, but of course you never do in situations like this. So much has happened between the two of us, and despite my feelings I really consider him a friend as well. For so long he’s been the person I go to with good or bad news, or just a random thought. He’s one of those people I start a conversation with, however meaningless it may be, simply because I enjoy talking to him. Lately, its gone so downhill. Just months ago he broke up with his girlfriend because he supposedly wanted to be with me. Yet, still no relationship. Every time I mention it he says “I’m not ready to date anyone yet.” And, pardon my language, but what the FUCK. And at this point, I shouldn’t even be wasting anymore of my time on him because in all reality, its going absolutely nowhere. Anyone can see that. Its hard to let go. I know we can’t go back to being just friends, and I don’t want to lose him. Its a constant stress, and he’s so hard to talk to and I can’t get any answers out of him. I mean jeepers Landon, if you don’t want to be with someone you damn well tell them! I think you’ve had plenty of time to get your reject speech prepared over the years.

So right now, my only option is to end all contact with him. Which is extremely hard to do when you run in the same social circles. Oy. When did I stop being the rebellious teenager that only had worries about how to sneak out to the next party? Too long ago, that’s for sure. Another thing is that I definitely feel I’ve grown as a person and matured while he has stayed exactly the same since we first met in high school. I’ve outgrown him, I know that. All of my friends and family known that. I guess I tend to ignore the fact that he’s the person I wanted when I was 16 and not the person I want him to be when I’m 20. These days, I need more than him simply responded to my text. Oh I could rant and rave about dear ol’ Lando forever, but I won’t because no one will enjoy that. Its just nice to get it off my chest once in a while. Hopefully next time he is mentioned, he will be part of my past and no longer my present and definitely not my future!

Simple fact: I Love Shoes. Beautiful shoes easily top my list of greatest loves in life. The list may be long, but that just means that I have passion for a lot of things in my life, not that my shoes mean don’t actually mean much to me. I don’t want anyone getting that thought into their head. My brother once pointed out to me that if I wore one pair of shoes a week, it would last me over a year. I’m nineteen, and starting collecting shoes just two years ago when I move out of home. They make me happy. Shoes are my therapy.

Until recent months, I couldn’t remember a time I had entered a shoe store and not left without at least one pair of beautiful, shiny, new shoes. And a smile. Pure happiness. It may not seem quite normal to some people to feel your heart speed up when you fall in love with a pair of shoes, but c’mon. Has anyone seen the show on TLC, “My Strange Addiction”? Today I watched half an episode about a woman who was addicted to her twelve teddy bears that she treated like her children. I’m talking putting them in a high chair at a restaurant. It was just too weird. So in comparison, a shoe addiction is nothing. And who doesn’t feel great in great shoes? Plus, heels make your bum look just fabulous. The pain is always worth it, whether it be in your feet or your chequing account.

Clearly, I can babble about shoes. My point was that today, which wasn’t the greatest of days (not that anything technically went wrong, but nothing went right either), I fell in love with a pair of shoes in my new InStyle magazine. Charles David, you are perfection. Suede, 4 inch pumps, colorblock. You can’t go wrong. And affordable which is always a plus. Especially since going back to school this fall is going to put a major dent in my shoe budget. Seeing these shoes instantly put a smile on my face. They were probably the highlight of my day, next to the great food. One more fact: I love food. But we’ll get into that another day. Its amazing that these shoes could set off an entire thought process about how the little things should mean as much as the big things. Yes, a great love is great. Yes, pregnancy is beautiful. But these aren’t your everyday moments. The moments when something so simple and satisfying happens, and you forget about it seconds later. I make an effort not to do that, because every memory of a bad day can be replaced with a memory of something that made you smile. An ear to ear smile. And that’s how I will be going to sleep. With my head in a shoe-shaped clouds and a smile on my face.