slow my heartbeat.

I clearly am a very fail blogger, despite how often I’m actually on tumblr. Mostly I use it to get new tattoo ideas and have some giggles, since I only follow 8 blogs.. I think something like that. Anyways, my life is rarely very excited. Actually its full of drama all the time but most of it petty, annoying, childish shit and who really wants to hear about that? But! Recently, something very exciting, however nervewrecking, has happened! And of course, does not come without drama.

I. Am. Having. A. Baby! AHHH. I wanna scream it from the rooftops. I am so excited. For as long as I can remember I have Always wanted to be a mom. I knew I was made to be a mother. So while it is something I am very excited about and have always wanted, having a baby when Im only 20 and very much single is not how I planned it at all. I know things rarely go according to plan, but at the very least I thought I would have a loving baby daddy by my side, ready to hold my hand through the mood swings and hold my hair back during morning sickness (which I have been having a lot of, ahhh good times.), but this is unfortunately not the case. What I have instead is a baby daddy who at first pushed for abortion but now has simply decided to stop talking to me. He won’t reply to any texts or phone calls, he has even gone so far to delete me off facebook. Oh well. In the beginning I understood him being totally freaked because we weren’t together and certainly not expecting this to happen, but I figured if I gave him his space to think, he would eventually come around and we would sit down and talk about things. I mean, I was (am) scared too. Like I said, this is Not how I planned it. Is it fair that in a spit second we made a silly choice, and are now going to have a child for the rest of our lives? Not necessarily, especially not to him because I know he wouldn’t have made the decision to keep the baby like I have, had it been him carrying the child. But we have to be responsible for our choices, no matter how brief or unimportant they seemed at the moment.

To be fair, I had decided on adoption earlier into the pregnancy. Abortion was never an option for me. It just didnt feel right. I thought adoption would be best because I did seem to have my family’s support, and I didn’t think I could do this alone. But man, does seeing your beautiful child in black and white swimming and kicking around in your body, feeling his (or her) presence in your body, make a HUGE difference. It hasn’t been easy, I’ll tell you that. But after realizing that I really want this baby and that I will do absolutely anything to give my child the life it deserves, my decision was final. So now I’m just excited. I try not to think about the father or the fact that I’m alone. I have everyones support now, and everyone is really excited, but thats just not the same as having someone there to give me a hug when I’m crying because I found my first stretchmark or am out of pickles. Just someone that is there for me all the time, and I know that sounds needy and clingy and I’ve never been that person, have never wanted to be, but it would be really nice right now. Never before have I had the desire to be in a relationship, but today.. well everything has changed, so why not my view on relationships? I have never been one to be dependent on someone else, or put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. The thought of putting my heart and soul into the hands of a young man and giving him the ability to crush it… well, that just wasn’t an option. Back then, I would much rather have been alone and never feel the love two people share, than have someone break my heart. Though I have had my heart broken, there has never been any real relationship to show for it, so I guess it’s been a lose-lose situation so far. And I’m definitely not going to expect anything to change anytime soon. Who is going to start dating a woman that is pregnant with someone else’s child? And once the baby is here… well then I’m a mother. So having a boyfriend is out of the question for probably years to come. But I’m ok with that. I will never be alone again, and I’m excited to share every moment in my life with my baby. I know people say “you don’t know how hard it is”, but I really do. And I know it will be worth it. Since I’ve been pregnant I’ve rarely seen my friends or gone out and done anything really. The moment I saw those two pink lines on my home pregnancy test, everything changed for me. Going out 2-3 times a week, seeing my friends everyday, slacking in school? Not an option anymore, and I’m happy to leave that life behind.

Now some baby talk! On Sunday, I will be 13 weeks pregnant. Officially into the 2nd trimester, thank goodness, because that hopefully means that the fatigue and morning sickness will slowly fade. And I will finally start to look pregnant, and not just a little “rounder than usual”. Its too early to tell, probably won’t find out for another month or so, but I am absolutely convinced it is a boy! I don’t know what it is but I just have this feeling. Of course I could be completely wrong. I always used to think that I’d want a little girl, but honestly now I really do hope its a boy. Not that I wouldn’t be excited about a girl. What mother could say no to pink bows and ruffles? Ugh, so cute. Maybe its just because I’ve spent so much time around baby boys, rather than girls. Either way, this will be one proud mame, especially as I’m convinced it is going to be the most beautiful baby known to man. The dad is a tall, blond hair, blue eyed, straight teethed, handsome creature, and despite him not being around I am excited about the genes he is bringing to the table. Call me shallow. Anyways, since I have decided to keep the baby, I have been spending every waking moment planning the future. What to buy, research on raising a baby and what is best for the baby, rubbing stretch mark oil on my belly and hoping for the best, and thinking about how blessed I am. Because I really am. No matter how it happened, I could not be happier. In a few short months I will be a mother to the most beautiful child, hopefully very healthy, and he (or she!) is going to have the greatest family that spoils the heck out of them. Nothing in my life may be ready for this child, but I certainly am. It is mommy time! YIPPEE

I clearly am a very fail blogger, despite how often I’m actually on tumblr. Mostly I use it to get new tattoo ideas and have some giggles, since I only follow 8 blogs.. I think something like that. Anyways, my life is rarely very excited. Actually its full of drama all the time but most of it petty, annoying, childish shit and who really wants to hear about that? But! Recently, something very exciting, however nervewrecking, has happened! And of course, does not come without drama.

I. Am. Having. A. Baby! AHHH. I wanna scream it from the rooftops. I am so excited. For as long as I can remember I have Always wanted to be a mom. I knew I was made to be a mother. So while it is something I am very excited about and have always wanted, having a baby when Im only 20 and very much single is not how I planned it at all. I know things rarely go according to plan, but at the very least I thought I would have a loving baby daddy by my side, ready to hold my hand through the mood swings and hold my hair back during morning sickness (which I have been having a lot of, ahhh good times.), but this is unfortunately not the case. What I have instead is a baby daddy who at first pushed for abortion but now has simply decided to stop talking to me. He won’t reply to any texts or phone calls, he has even gone so far to delete me off facebook. Oh well. In the beginning I understood him being totally freaked because we weren’t together and certainly not expecting this to happen, but I figured if I gave him his space to think, he would eventually come around and we would sit down and talk about things. I mean, I was (am) scared too. Like I said, this is Not how I planned it. Is it fair that in a spit second we made a silly choice, and are now going to have a child for the rest of our lives? Not necessarily, especially not to him because I know he wouldn’t have made the decision to keep the baby like I have, had it been him carrying the child. But we have to be responsible for our choices, no matter how brief or unimportant they seemed at the moment.

To be fair, I had decided on adoption earlier into the pregnancy. Abortion was never an option for me. It just didnt feel right. I thought adoption would be best because I did seem to have my family’s support, and I didn’t think I could do this alone. But man, does seeing your beautiful child in black and white swimming and kicking around in your body, feeling his (or her) presence in your body, make a HUGE difference. It hasn’t been easy, I’ll tell you that. But after realizing that I really want this baby and that I will do absolutely anything to give my child the life it deserves, my decision was final. So now I’m just excited. I try not to think about the father or the fact that I’m alone. I have everyones support now, and everyone is really excited, but thats just not the same as having someone there to give me a hug when I’m crying because I found my first stretchmark or am out of pickles. Just someone that is there for me all the time, and I know that sounds needy and clingy and I’ve never been that person, have never wanted to be, but it would be really nice right now. Never before have I had the desire to be in a relationship, but today.. well everything has changed, so why not my view on relationships? I have never been one to be dependent on someone else, or put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. The thought of putting my heart and soul into the hands of a young man and giving him the ability to crush it… well, that just wasn’t an option. Back then, I would much rather have been alone and never feel the love two people share, than have someone break my heart. Though I have had my heart broken, there has never been any real relationship to show for it, so I guess it’s been a lose-lose situation so far. And I’m definitely not going to expect anything to change anytime soon. Who is going to start dating a woman that is pregnant with someone else’s child? And once the baby is here… well then I’m a mother. So having a boyfriend is out of the question for probably years to come. But I’m ok with that. I will never be alone again, and I’m excited to share every moment in my life with my baby. I know people say “you don’t know how hard it is”, but I really do. And I know it will be worth it. Since I’ve been pregnant I’ve rarely seen my friends or gone out and done anything really. The moment I saw those two pink lines on my home pregnancy test, everything changed for me. Going out 2-3 times a week, seeing my friends everyday, slacking in school? Not an option anymore, and I’m happy to leave that life behind.

Now some baby talk! On Sunday, I will be 13 weeks pregnant. Officially into the 2nd trimester, thank goodness, because that hopefully means that the fatigue and morning sickness will slowly fade. And I will finally start to look pregnant, and not just a little “rounder than usual”. Its too early to tell, probably won’t find out for another month or so, but I am absolutely convinced it is a boy! I don’t know what it is but I just have this feeling. Of course I could be completely wrong. I always used to think that I’d want a little girl, but honestly now I really do hope its a boy. Not that I wouldn’t be excited about a girl. What mother could say no to pink bows and ruffles? Ugh, so cute. Maybe its just because I’ve spent so much time around baby boys, rather than girls. Either way, this will be one proud mame, especially as I’m convinced it is going to be the most beautiful baby known to man. The dad is a tall, blond hair, blue eyed, straight teethed, handsome creature, and despite him not being around I am excited about the genes he is bringing to the table. Call me shallow. Anyways, since I have decided to keep the baby, I have been spending every waking moment planning the future. What to buy, research on raising a baby and what is best for the baby, rubbing stretch mark oil on my belly and hoping for the best, and thinking about how blessed I am. Because I really am. No matter how it happened, I could not be happier. In a few short months I will be a mother to the most beautiful child, hopefully very healthy, and he (or she!) is going to have the greatest family that spoils the heck out of them. Nothing in my life may be ready for this child, but I certainly am. It is mommy time! YIPPEE

I heard that you’re settled down That you found a girl and you’re married now I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded That for me, it isn’t over

NEver mind, I’ll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too Don’t forget me, I begged, I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

<3 <3 I miss you.

So there’s this boy. Really the only way you could describe our relationship is that we’ve had “a thing” for over four years now. A thing! Never officially dated. Oh, we’ve done the seeing each other, the just friends, the hating each other, but its yet to turn into anything legitimate. I guess I shouldn’t say that.. its legitimate I suppose. The feelings are there, etc, buuut its definitely not what I want. Hasn’t been for four years. How can you have “a thing” with somebody for so long and it never turn into something real? I have no clue how I’ve let it get so far. I’m kinda at a now or never standpoint but it looks like he’s leaning towards never. It’s heartbreaking, in all honesty. I don’t understand it, but of course you never do in situations like this. So much has happened between the two of us, and despite my feelings I really consider him a friend as well. For so long he’s been the person I go to with good or bad news, or just a random thought. He’s one of those people I start a conversation with, however meaningless it may be, simply because I enjoy talking to him. Lately, its gone so downhill. Just months ago he broke up with his girlfriend because he supposedly wanted to be with me. Yet, still no relationship. Every time I mention it he says “I’m not ready to date anyone yet.” And, pardon my language, but what the FUCK. And at this point, I shouldn’t even be wasting anymore of my time on him because in all reality, its going absolutely nowhere. Anyone can see that. Its hard to let go. I know we can’t go back to being just friends, and I don’t want to lose him. Its a constant stress, and he’s so hard to talk to and I can’t get any answers out of him. I mean jeepers Landon, if you don’t want to be with someone you damn well tell them! I think you’ve had plenty of time to get your reject speech prepared over the years.

So right now, my only option is to end all contact with him. Which is extremely hard to do when you run in the same social circles. Oy. When did I stop being the rebellious teenager that only had worries about how to sneak out to the next party? Too long ago, that’s for sure. Another thing is that I definitely feel I’ve grown as a person and matured while he has stayed exactly the same since we first met in high school. I’ve outgrown him, I know that. All of my friends and family known that. I guess I tend to ignore the fact that he’s the person I wanted when I was 16 and not the person I want him to be when I’m 20. These days, I need more than him simply responded to my text. Oh I could rant and rave about dear ol’ Lando forever, but I won’t because no one will enjoy that. Its just nice to get it off my chest once in a while. Hopefully next time he is mentioned, he will be part of my past and no longer my present and definitely not my future!